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Friday, December 11th, 2009
Before we were actually having a child, I pored over baby name web sites and books, blissfully combining names without a care in the world. Somehow, I never had a clue that once the process of naming an actual child began, I would suddenly start caring about other people’s opinions besides mine (and D’s … sort of).
I thought I would be the sort of person who wouldn’t care at all if everyone turned up their noses at my name choices. In fact, I thought (back then when I was young and naive and not bone-tired and vomity), if no one liked the names I chose, that would be a good thing because most people like very ordinary names, and nothankyouverymuch to that!
Oh silly me. I wasn’t taking into account that my grandfather would die this year, and I would want to name my baby after him, and that I wouldn’t be allowed to, because then no one from D’s family would be so honored, and drama would ensue. D has also vetoed my absolute favorite girl name (Ruby), because it’s his aunt’s name, and his Mom would be offended if we named a baby after D’s aunt instead of her.
I was forgetting how the last time someone in the family had a baby (our nephew, now three), D’s mother had a fit because if the baby turned out to be a girl, my sister-in-law wanted to name her after her own mother. And that just wouldn’t be fair because … oh wait, D’s mother already has a grandchild named after her. So what was the big deal again?
Now in our situation, D and I already have a first name picked out for a boy, a name that we are both excited about, that has nothing to do with either family. A name that, again to my surprise, is actually fairly popular (if you combine the two spellings, it was around #130 in 2008 and seems to be on the rise). To my further surprise, I’ve been really pleased by the universally positive response to this name from friends and family, so pleased that I’ve realized I actually do care what they think and am not so special and above-it-all as I believed.
Which brings us to the middle name. As I’ve mentioned before, D has repeatedly (and I do mean repeatedly) insisted that the middle name should be Eugene, same as his. To which I have just as repeatedly said, “no freakin’ way.” It’s not that Eugene is a bad name; it’s that my child’s initials would spell EEW. No. Just no. It ain’t happening.
Convincing him of this fact has been disturbingly difficult. He just hangs onto it like a bulldog and won’t even discuss Frank or James, the two names from my family I’d be happy using, which would – not coincidentally – create perfectly normal initials for our child.
Frank (my grandfather’s name) he doesn’t even address, and James (a beloved great-uncle, who died in 2007), he refuses to use because of some boy he refers to as “Buck-Toothed James,” who picked a fight with him in elementary school.
Okay, I kinda get that. I’d never name a kid Ginnie for similar reasons. But what’s he got against Frank? Huh? Huh?
I think I know what it is. He doesn’t want to hear it from his mother if we choose a name from my family and not his. *Sigh* It’s back to her again, is it?
But then I fell right into the trap, too. The girl name we’ve chosen (slightly-more-than-tentatively) has his mother’s name as the ending of the first name, and my mother’s name as the middle name. Should make everyone happy, right?
But when D’s mother asked me about the name at Thanksgiving, I only told her the first part with her name in it, which she loved. Shocking! But then, with a tone of suspicion, she immediately asked about the middle name. And I froze like Bambi’s mom in headlights. I averted my eyes and said, “Oh, we haven’t decided yet.” Liar! And I probably looked like one, too.
Now why did I do that? I should’ve just looked her right in the eyes and said, “Kay. The middle name is Kay.” with a tone that said, “I dare you to say one word about it.”
But even I am subject to the fear of drama. Maybe she would be okay with it, since her name is in the first name. But maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe that look would come over her face – that stony look – and we’d all know she was pissed. Or maybe she’d just roll right over me and start suggesting/pushing a series of names from their family, like she has in the past, and somewhere in there, I’d have to say, “No dear, I’m not naming my son Vannie, no matter how many times you suggest it.”
Meanwhile, my mom is equally distressed at the prospect of any part of D’s mother’s name being included and not hers. So if we switch names, we’ll have to be careful to include either both or neither. And my dad would love his name to go in that precious boy-middle-name spot, too.
All of which is enough to make me want to forget the whole family-name thing and name the kid something totally off the top of our heads.
Then again, maybe I should just follow my sister’s wise advice on a compromise for the boy name – use D’s first name in the middle name spot, which makes the initials normal. D hasn’t expressed opposition to that plan, and I guess I could live with it. I’m just tenaciously clinging to the hope that I can honor somebody else with our son’s name instead of doing the old junior-repeat. He (if it’s a he) will already have D’s last name – isn’t that enough???
Or maybe we should just take a cue from Twilight’s Bella Swan and create a mash-up name like Renesmee, created from the names of her mother and Edward’s. How about Mirthur? Mackel? Vank?
What? No?
Perhaps, for the baby’s sake, we should hope for a girl. Either way, I find out in 10 days (I hope!). I’m so ready to find out the gender and get this name thing decided, so I can buy stuff like this personalized blanket from Etsy, and start referring to the room that’s been called the “spare bedroom,” “front bedroom,” “junk room,” “nursery,” and “baby … or kid room,” by it’s proper name – [Insert Name Here]‘s room.
I don’t have much advice for you, given that our first child is a Jr. and our 2nd, named after her PATERNAL grandmother and great-grandmothers. On the third child I put my foot down.
I do know that all 3 kids have grown into their names, independent of origin.
The best advice I can give is choose a name YOU two love and DON’T TELL ANYONE UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN!
Seriously, you would be surprised how many people voice their opinion when the baby is still an abstract idea versus when the baby is born and in their arms.
It is your child. Name it what you want. You don’t want to regret your choice because of someone else’s opinion.
Afterall, they already named their own kids. Now it is your turn.
I really would hate to have to live with that much drama! I agree with the person who said name the baby what both of you love, and don’t tell anyone else until it is a done deal. They got to name their own babies, this one is YOURS!
We have the advantage of a complete lack of narcissists in the grandparent stock. I was able to ask for suggestions and discuss things calmly and respectfully! Sounds like the last two have hit the nail on the head.
Do your own equivalent of what Zechariah and Elizabeth do in Luke 1:59-63: Put your collective foot down and say, “His/her name is John!” Or Henry or Kay or Frank or whatever.
Save yourself the drama and don’t share names with family before the baby is born. My in-laws shot down every name we had even after the kid was born & named. My oldest is named Duncan and she called him “D” for ages because she couldn’t bring herself to say his name. They now affectionately call him “Dunkey” from time to time. . My youngest is Oliver Robert (after FIL and my favorite BIL) and they both BEGGED us to change it to Robert Oliver…..after he was home from the hospital since they thought Oliver was sooooo horrible of a name — everyone would call him Ollie. (yep….we do and love it!). Good thing my DH just rolls his eyes and stands his ground. This is YOUR baby….both you and Darwin should have the pleasure and joy of naming him/her. By not sharing names before birth you send the message that feedback and input into this important choice is not wanted……but I kinda suspect your in-laws will give it anyways. Stand your ground. :)
We knew that we would name our son after a neighbor who helped raise my husband (thought it wouldn’t go over big with his Dad but it was fine). We did choose his father’s grandmother’s last name to use as his middle name. Now he has a very “old” name (how appropriate – I love old things!) Martin Sarber. We didn’t ask opinions and I don’t think we told many people. When my daughter was born we named her after my Grandmother and used my middle name (which lucky for us was also my MIL and Mom’s middle name). I didn’t tell anyone until she was born, more because I wanted to surprise my Mom.
Pick a name and keep it to yourself until after the baby is born. If your family doesn’t like it tell them “We made the baby ourselves, we’ll pick the name ourselves”.
I agree with everyone’s advice to just not tell anyone until after the baby is born. It is hard to look into the face of a beautiful new family member and say “I hate your name, new baby.”
My sister just went through this and eventually she stopped telling anyone that asked. Her baby girl, Nola Page, was born in November and every single response has been “Oh, I LOVE that name” and not one bad reaction.
Good luck, can’t wait to find out if you’re expecting a boy or a girl! :)
We never seem to have any names decided until I’m in labor. Only my last child is named after anyone, and that is only because my husband’s grandmother died about a week before she was born. Otherwise, I avoid it all. My mom suggests that I should name someone after my MIL, but that really translates to, “You should name someone after your MIL so that I can complain until you also name someone after me.” The only other family name I’ve wanted to use was my grandfather’s middle name, but my mother hated him and declares that she would never speak the name outloud should I use it. Which is why, even if I were decisive enough to pick out names in advance, I probably would tell no one until it was a fait accompli.
Don’t tell until the baby is born then it is too late. Both sets of our parents disliked Abe’s name. My mom totally hated it. Now he could be named nothing else. That’s just who he is. Keep it a secret. As for the family thing – I think people deserve their own names. Especially if they will never know the person they are named after. Imagine if you were named Ida after some woman you never met???
Don’t tell anyone, ANYONE, the baby names until its too late. As long as you and your husband love the name, thats all that matters. Tell anyone who complains that they should have their own baby to name it whatever they want.
A little late to the conversation here, but we also did not tell ANYONE what we’d chosen for names until after the birth certificate was filled out.
My narcissistic MIL made an assumption that one of our daughter’s names was after one of my husband’s aunts (who I knew nothing about) but whatever. It made her happy and we just kept mum.
I WAS bummed that I couldn’t use a name that I loved–my grandma’s name–because it was the same name as my MIL, but spelled differently. It would have been too obvious. Maybe one of my kids will honor her when they name their children.
It’s not too late to say that you have had fun discussing it, you’ll take everyone’s ideas into consideration, and you’ll announce the name when the baby arrives.
What’s most important is you and your husband. I conceded on the name choice for our son–hubby loved the name, me, not so much, but now I can’t imagine his name being anything else! And it came around–hubby conceded on the name for daughter 3–a name I liked–and now it’s the same with her.
I’m sure you’ll figure it out for your baby!
ps. If you’re worried about initials, you could always use D’s middle name for his first name but call him by his middle name. I have a cousin whose name just didn’t roll of the tongue the way my aunt wanted, so they named her 1-2, but called her “2″.
I know there’s a case to be made for not sharing the name before the baby’s born, but I think that depends on the parents. We got lots of reaction – from the negative to the enthusiastic with both our kids. Didn’t matter – we were determined.
As for Eugene, the Irish equivalent is usually given as Owen. (Owen has other possible sources, too.) But it would sidestep your initial problem.
Neat! I’m pregnant with my second child and can’t wait for the due date, even though I know a few things there’s plenty I don’t. Thanks for the information, you don’t know how much I appreciate it.Thanks!Darla
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